Outta my mind

Just as the title, i must be out of my mind. I am posting yet again in this blog that i have forgotten for months.

Time really flies when you don't notice. The previous post seems like yesterday, but it's really something that is a few months old, which reminds me, its what happened in 2009.

Now that its already 2010, a year that i have been looking forward to since 2008, I'll have to prepare for a few change in my lifestyle. I cannot sleep 10 hours a day, I cannot eat like a pig and laze around like one. I need to be more serious in the things that i do, I need to put in more effort and lastly, i need to start exercising!

This year, i need to learn to fall for the right right right right girl at the right time. There is no longer time to procrastinate. I have been left on the shelf for far too long waiting to be bought, but that is going to change now, i am going to be the shopper instead. Hang on, did I just say i am going to be the shopper this time round? Shit! Must be mad to have such a thought! It is too troublesome to be a shopper(can i do online orders?).. That wouldn't happen, at least not till i find someone that's worth my effort.. but, wait a minute, HTF would i know if someone's worth the effort till I have already done the shopping? hmmmm.... Should I be an impulsive shopper then? Maybe it would solve the issue? However, what to do if i didn't get what i thought i bought? Assuming I just hope on to make my next purchase, wouldn't that drive the right one further away?

Sometimes i really can't help but wonder what bring 2 person together, and what keeps them together. What's the base that allows them to stand on, whats the path that is laid for their journey.. Is it love? What is love? Is it the will/action to protect the other party from danger at all cost or the willingness to keep the other party accompanied for life as portrayed in dramas? The willingness to care for another person? Will these create the feeling of love?

If that's whats really needed, i might have done it all wrong since that time, after knowing that something so lifeless like books can easily come between it. Then, I learnt another thing, even putting in all efforts to go shopping for your purchase, sometimes, that item might just be out of stock, or that somehow, you just cannot get it. It's just like you have the money, just not the right currency and in the end, you cant make the purchase.

How can i believe in love having known things that make it seem superficial? How do I find someone who will be exclusively right next to me forever, wherever, whenever? I am eagerly waiting to find out, no matter what the results are. What else do I live for? I mean, what else am i going to find out?

Live at this age sure is interesting. Can i insert more tokens and try other different route that i could have experienced?

Confused

Now that i have calmed down...

Looking back at the past 2 posts, i can conclude that i must be thinking too much. Maybe everything was just my wishful thinking, or maybe not, but, it just don't matter anymore. Everything just seems to getting back to normal. =)

Anyway, i became more like "me" after some thoughts and knocking down some walls that i have built up over the years. don't know if its good or bad but i feel more comfortable being myself(as in being an arrogant arse) now.

Following this, i feel like my drive, my motivation, results, interest, power will all come back. Kinda interesting.

Present - Future

Today, i gave her part 1 of the present. I did not manage to give her the 2nd part of the present. I didn't wish her a happy 21st, never sign the 2 pages worth of guestbook, which i regret. Wth was I doing i wondered. I was going through an unexpected scenario inside my head. All i could do was let my body take over, letting it do things on its own.

I feel contradicted, duper contradicted. I was thinking of how a ring means nth at all and i can just give it to anybody if they like it, yet, i cant give her part 2 of the present in front of her boyfriend.

Now that i have contradicted myself, I'm confused, like really confused. What does my ring mean to her? Why does she hint it to me even when she has a dude? Why didn't she intro him to me(now that i think of it, she never intro him as her boyfriend to me, she never really did intro her boyfriends formally to me at all) like she did to my best buddy? Am i getting the wrong idea? Is she sending the wrong signal? Is she treating me like her beast buddy? Was she waiting for me to do something this whole while? Are the things i do too unpredictable? Was i too passive? Did i send the wrong message?

This time i was serious, but, the timing must be wrong, chemistry is already gone. The feelings i had were true and have all be kept in the ring. If i have given her the 2nd part. i would have no regrets. I could have tried to give her the ring in front of everyone anyway, but my conscience wouldn't let get between a couple already together. It has always been like that. Every time i think its time to get serious, i would find out she is already attached. The 1st time was because i wasn't sure of my feelings. Now was because of my indecisiveness. How many times must i go through this as the one who love her?Since now that i tried and failed in this way. I can conclude i have no talent in relationship. Whats wrong with me? Do i have the vibes that send girls running in another direction? or maybe i'm just not her type? Should i just put my feelings aside be the person who just do thing aggressively and have things done their way?

Really, what do i have to do man! Cos In the essence, i'm just a loser whining here. what am i hoping for? what am i writing for? instead of trying to fight for her, i choose to give up. the thing that i am too fond of doing. why did i give up on going after somebody i have feeling for? its so wrong. i don't wan to end up regretting about today but what can i do about it? i really don't know. i may spend my life thinking of her and regretting every now and then. but i have no idea what to do to prevent that.

Things as it is, i would have decided to forget her. but she my good friend. i'm so torn between. i want to stop falling for her and end up emo-ing but i can't pull away from my good friend. what should i do? its my fault that i fell for her, but its not our fault for being good friend. We've been through a lot, good friend are harder to come by than anything i can imagine. I really don't want our friendship to be destroyed by something like that. It's not like i want to be her friend only because i can't be her boyfriend. We are friends before the latter.

i think i should disappear for a while and let they feelings fade away. i might disappear from her life totally just to save myself from falling into this same situation over and over. but that's just too selfish as a friend..

come to think of it, i just want her to be happy. i have no idea how to do that, nor was i given any instructions. she did not tell me how to do it and i had no courage to ask. so i thought I'd let others do it. But what if i am able to make her happy if i've really tried? i wouldn't know since i have no confidence to try.

I've realized I'm really turning into kenzo bit by bit, although this attempt was to resist the change, i ended up being more like him. would've been easier if i had his looks n physique but the fact is i don't. well, losers never look like that. i really have to do something. i have to get serious about life. but, how? life have been so easy for me. things i want usually comes one way or another, i don't need to fight for them, so i end up like this. is arrogance my greatest flaw? or is laziness my greatest flaw?

Now i know why i have writing all these even though it doesn't help with the situation.i feel like i got something heavy off my chest by telling my friend about something that has been bugging me.

Maybe i will forget her, maybe i will fade away in her like, maybe i will continue on like this, i don't know..

I might have to learn how to live life first..

Its not like you will see this but, Happy 21st Birthday, girl.

Past - Present

In a short week, i have had the chance to look at things which i had forgotten due to my short term memory.

1) I remembered why i fell for her, but i'm not looking back at all.

2) I saw why i have always like her.

3) I realised i will probably be stuck to her for a long time.

4) Things can't remain they way it is, she has to be my girl.

5) I am totally insensitive to hints, be it positive or negative ones. Its pretty damn annoying to be such an idiot! tmd

Change

today is a day that i have absolutely nothing to do. this is the reason that i haven have finally decided to come back to this blog and make a post.

normally, i could be doing a whole lot of things which i totally forgot after enlisting. now, the only things that i have been doing during my free time is those mundane thing like reading manga, watching single episodes of drama and going out for supper.

i was being incredibly bored when the idea came to me that i should change. i am thinking that maybe i should shorten the distance that i have with people around me and remove some layers of my protective wall so that people could get closer.

what i have been doing most of the time is to push people away when i feel that they come too close, which must have unintentionally pushed away many friends that i used to have. then after long moments of silence between each other, i become afraid to talk to those who i once knew as friends. we have drifted too far apart and i had absolutely no common topic to talk about not sure how to continue the conversation even if i had initiated a chat.

the other thing about my protective shell is that i am really not fond of expressing most of my view as i might hurt a hell lots of people's ego and feelings and therefore, i ended up keeping quiet or do not try to parade my points in most discussions, making me seem like a shallow or rather, go-with-the-flow person.

i think that i should really change these point and me myself a more approachable and let myself be able to approach people more easily. thus, "its finally time for me to break the shell and remove the walls."

if i can do it all over, i would make my intentions clear and concise, at least i could get to hear what you had to say..

i really hate to be ingored!

I Lost A Cert...

damn it! i am totally owned by myself! while i was looking through my certs and result slips and stuff, i realised something; i lost a cert!

it was a cert that was issued after completeing overseas industrail training programme. though it migh seem useless, who knows when i will need it?
for example:
me: "china is fun, i went there for 2 months during my oitp! "
friend: "really? 0_0 tok cock izzit?"

anyway, shall continue to look for it.. though its already 3+am but well, graduates don't need to sleep! haha